who am i, anyway?
i'm sick of feeling this pressure to be one thing or another.
i thought i was past that . . . had given it to God and grown through needing affirmation from people to be whole.
maybe so much so that in letting go of needing to prove myself,
i've lost sight of who i wanted to be.
which makes me wonder who exactly i was to start with.
was i only seeking after jesus because it's "right"? am i back to that place again?
am i back wanting to be like christ more than to love christ?
"lord i'm letting go. please . . . don't let go of me."
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This post reminded me of a poem.
Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
-Bonhoeffer
I may have quoted this to you before, but I really like it. I will be praying about this for you.
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