wide awake (again).

it's saturday and i can't sleep--nothing's new.
it doesn't even seem worth the effort to capitalize things when all i want to do is sleep and all i can do is complain about it.




there is one person in this whole entire world capable of breaking every wall i've built up and every peace i've settled to

with one glance

and if i only had the faintest idea why, i wouldn't feel so miserably helpless watching those walls fall and that peace shattered




i'm glad to be getting away next week.




i'm thoroughly enjoying the bell jar. it's hauntingly lovely.

also, i'm discovering more and more about what God would have me spend my life doing. I can't even explain how good He is to me.

wide awake

i've been writing a lot lately, mainly because i haven't been able to sleep.



sometimes in very odd situations or at the most nonsensical times,

such as while making a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich
or driving home in a lightning storm
or watching a documentary about the pope at three forty-seven in the morning (right now)

i think i would like to spend my life making music.


that's a rather strange dream, and not because of its impracticality and definately not because of its uniqueness, and not even because i lack any impressive skills on an instrument and dislike my own singing voice, but because i've never tried to write music.

i'll let you in on a little secret about myself . . .
(i'm terrified of failing.)

so i've never tried.


and i'm not completely positive just why i would like to spend my life making music.


i've never been interested in fame or glory or riches. in fact nothing could sound more revolting.
i wouldn't want the rockstar life or my name in lights or anything like that.

i think i'm intrigued by the idea of impacting someone else's life.
and while i realize there are many ways to do this other than writing songs and traveling around playing them for people . . .

the way the right melody can reach through to the very core of someone's being
the way music is a universal language, transcending every barrier that distance and time and money and war can construct
the way a song touches someone so intimately . . . so sincerely
is all rather romantic, i think.



but i think too much,
or so i've been told.

bold

i feel sick.



this summer i spent a week in new york, seeing the sights and loving the city.
i spent a week in new orleans, "beautifying" neighborhoods.
i spent two weeks working for my mom, helping seventh and eighth graders make marionettes and put on plays.
i spent a few days at the middle school, cleaning and painting.
i spent a week with my family, seeing the west, being amazed by creation, and kicking my feet in the pacific ocean.
i'll spend next week in north carolina learning more and laughing more and having an amazing time with the kids from fbc.
then i'll spend a few days in arkadelphia, getting a feel for what my next year there will be like.

i've spent days out with friends or family, seeing movies and sipping coffee, taking pictures and playing tennis and talking.
i've spent days at home, reading or cleaning, painting or enjoying netflix.



and i feel like i've done NOTHING of any real, eternal value this summer.



for once in my life it's not because i can't see that my life is nothing if not Christ living in me.
for once in my life i can see that loving others, selling out completely--all i have--and giving to the poor and the needy, is what Jesus talked about and what living faith looks like.

for once i gave up a summer of working and making money and spending it frivilously on fun and entertainment to be able to spend these months serving.



and what do i have to show for it? what lives have i impacted? how has Jesus used me? when was i bold? what did i really sacrifice?

i look around for needs to be met and i don't see any. i want to do something for someone else and i don't know how.



and i feel so guilty for not seeing needs. i know they're there.
so why can't i open my eyes and see past myself?
it's not that i don't want to.



i feel like i'm stuck here waiting for something to happen . . . for a door to open to be able to live out what i'm learning . . . but in the meantime?
i feel helpless and useless.



i feel so frustrated.
what am i doing wrong?

Post Without A Point

Can I write without a real purpose or point today? Thank you for your understanding and permission.

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com
(I wonder if people ever think this about me?)

--So, summer: only one month left. What will that month hold? Dunno. I'm not so worried about it anymore.


--I think my Netflix is lost in the mail. Uhoh.


--I bought some books today that I am pretty ecstatic to begin reading (!) I got The Bell Jar, A Clockwork Orange, and one by David Crowder on praise . . . the title escapes me.


--Mom and I spent the day together running errands and goofing off. It was fun. Me mum might be a little quirky at times . . . okay, a lot quirky at times . . . but she really is a wonderful mother and I love her.


--On a different note: I like shopping and the color pink and piercings and hiphop. If you didn't know those things about me, that's fine. But please don't tell me who am I am and who I am not.


--I'm learning more and more everyday about who Jesus is and who I am in Him. How exciting is that?


--I feel like I should tie all of these thoughts together, but I can't think of any way to do so. Have a good day all.

7/11

I'm just going to be totally honest today. If doing so makes me seem weak or stupid, that's okay. In my weakness He is strong.


Pslam 33: 6
By the word of the Lord were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of His mouth.


Why then do I doubt the power of God's word?
He spoke and created the world . . . the heavens . . . everything I know.
He's speaking to me and I'm afraid.

Afraid He isn't in control?
Or maybe afraid that He is.
Afraid that He has something planned that I can't handle.
Afraid that it's going to be hard and it won't be worth it.

How could I ever believe that when Christ is all that I am?
And I'm afraid following Him won't be worth the pain and the struggle and the lonliness.

How can I show other people what God's done for me when I'm broken and alone?
How can I show other people what God's done for me when I'm terrified to let Him do more?

I'm there again . . . seeing this peace the world has and trying so hard to remember that it's not real. I don't know what I'm wanting. Living a life like that will always have something missing. Because God made me to love Him. He is who I am.

I'm terrified of pain . . . terrified of feeling. But life is so much better than some numb existance.


Jesus, You are life. Teach me who I am in You.
Teach me to be that person.
Teach me to be bold.

John 15: 27
And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning.

Acts 4: 20
For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.

I must testify to how You've been with me from the beginning.
I have to tell what I've seen and heard.