Ugly

Small group was called off tonight, so Brady, Lex, and I sat in the back of the regular Sunday night service.

The question Bro. Mark asked was this: are you faithful? I'm honestly not sure that was the exact question he asked, but it was the question that God asked me. What in my life am I STILL holding onto? I feel wacked over the head with that question so consistently that lately I've been to the point where I wanted to say, "Listen, I've dealt with this Jesus. You have it all."

Of course, I was wrong in thinking so.

Last night my eyes were opened to struggles of someone close to me . . . struggles I was completely unaware of. Struggles that I share in and have been too afraid, insecure, or prideful, depending on the instance, to talk about with her.

The thing I'm still holding onto is the secrecy of my past mistakes. I'm too in love with my "I've never dealt with that" facade to be real with my closest friends, and because of that front I'm afraid that those friends haven't felt comfortable talking with me when I might have been the only person that could listen.

Not that I think I'm the only person that can ever help people or that God can't provide without my obedience, but what good comes from my mess-ups if I'm not willing to learn from them and share that knowledge? Scripture says to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other. I haven't been willing to be faithful in doing so. It's easy to assume that no one would care to hear, or that my friends, whose opinions I value, will think less of me, but "my happiness is found in less of me and more of You."

The less they think of me, the more they can see of God's grace, I think. And until I'm willing to give of myself in talking about difficult parts of my past and present, why would I expect other people to do the same?

Community is a two-way street, and I'm beginning to see that it starts with being willing to lay it all on the table--the beautiful and the ugly.

Weekend plans

I can't wait for the free time to curl up in a quilt, make a whole bunch of microwave potstickers and sweet tea, and watch movies until I fall asleep.

Answered prayers

You said, "Ask and you will recieve
Whatever you need."
You said, "Pray and I'll hear from heaven,
And I'll heal your land"

You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water in the sea
You said, "Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here" Your kingdom is near

You said "Ask and I'll give the nations to you"
Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see your light
As it rises on earth

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

-2 Chronicles 7:14




Since I can remember, I have known that. Why has it taken me eighteen years to believe it, to trust it, to put my faith and my hope in it?

Our core group is such an encouragement to me. We're finally being real and I can see God as the source of that absolutely, and blessing our willingness.

I wish I had more time to write more tonight. So much is moving around me. So many prayers are being answered, so many promises fulfilled.




He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."

-Luke 10:2


Pray for me, for us, for workers to send out into the harvest field?
There's nothing more I could ask for.

Lashes

I blink back thoughts
Not drippy droopy sorrow tears
Just memories and pictures and the like

And think of the one so paralyzed, so demobilized by life
That she is left with only two blinks for yes
And one for no

And if a speck of dust or a spot of must may find her eye this day
For breakfast, then, she’ll have marmalade with her toast and margarine
Or orange juice instead of 2%