Ugly

Small group was called off tonight, so Brady, Lex, and I sat in the back of the regular Sunday night service.

The question Bro. Mark asked was this: are you faithful? I'm honestly not sure that was the exact question he asked, but it was the question that God asked me. What in my life am I STILL holding onto? I feel wacked over the head with that question so consistently that lately I've been to the point where I wanted to say, "Listen, I've dealt with this Jesus. You have it all."

Of course, I was wrong in thinking so.

Last night my eyes were opened to struggles of someone close to me . . . struggles I was completely unaware of. Struggles that I share in and have been too afraid, insecure, or prideful, depending on the instance, to talk about with her.

The thing I'm still holding onto is the secrecy of my past mistakes. I'm too in love with my "I've never dealt with that" facade to be real with my closest friends, and because of that front I'm afraid that those friends haven't felt comfortable talking with me when I might have been the only person that could listen.

Not that I think I'm the only person that can ever help people or that God can't provide without my obedience, but what good comes from my mess-ups if I'm not willing to learn from them and share that knowledge? Scripture says to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other. I haven't been willing to be faithful in doing so. It's easy to assume that no one would care to hear, or that my friends, whose opinions I value, will think less of me, but "my happiness is found in less of me and more of You."

The less they think of me, the more they can see of God's grace, I think. And until I'm willing to give of myself in talking about difficult parts of my past and present, why would I expect other people to do the same?

Community is a two-way street, and I'm beginning to see that it starts with being willing to lay it all on the table--the beautiful and the ugly.