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i feel sick.



this summer i spent a week in new york, seeing the sights and loving the city.
i spent a week in new orleans, "beautifying" neighborhoods.
i spent two weeks working for my mom, helping seventh and eighth graders make marionettes and put on plays.
i spent a few days at the middle school, cleaning and painting.
i spent a week with my family, seeing the west, being amazed by creation, and kicking my feet in the pacific ocean.
i'll spend next week in north carolina learning more and laughing more and having an amazing time with the kids from fbc.
then i'll spend a few days in arkadelphia, getting a feel for what my next year there will be like.

i've spent days out with friends or family, seeing movies and sipping coffee, taking pictures and playing tennis and talking.
i've spent days at home, reading or cleaning, painting or enjoying netflix.



and i feel like i've done NOTHING of any real, eternal value this summer.



for once in my life it's not because i can't see that my life is nothing if not Christ living in me.
for once in my life i can see that loving others, selling out completely--all i have--and giving to the poor and the needy, is what Jesus talked about and what living faith looks like.

for once i gave up a summer of working and making money and spending it frivilously on fun and entertainment to be able to spend these months serving.



and what do i have to show for it? what lives have i impacted? how has Jesus used me? when was i bold? what did i really sacrifice?

i look around for needs to be met and i don't see any. i want to do something for someone else and i don't know how.



and i feel so guilty for not seeing needs. i know they're there.
so why can't i open my eyes and see past myself?
it's not that i don't want to.



i feel like i'm stuck here waiting for something to happen . . . for a door to open to be able to live out what i'm learning . . . but in the meantime?
i feel helpless and useless.



i feel so frustrated.
what am i doing wrong?