I'm just going to be totally honest today. If doing so makes me seem weak or stupid, that's okay. In my weakness He is strong.
Pslam 33: 6
By the word of the Lord were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of His mouth.
Why then do I doubt the power of God's word?
He spoke and created the world . . . the heavens . . . everything I know.
He's speaking to me and I'm afraid.
Afraid He isn't in control?
Or maybe afraid that He is.
Afraid that He has something planned that I can't handle.
Afraid that it's going to be hard and it won't be worth it.
How could I ever believe that when Christ is all that I am?
And I'm afraid following Him won't be worth the pain and the struggle and the lonliness.
How can I show other people what God's done for me when I'm broken and alone?
How can I show other people what God's done for me when I'm terrified to let Him do more?
I'm there again . . . seeing this peace the world has and trying so hard to remember that it's not real. I don't know what I'm wanting. Living a life like that will always have something missing. Because God made me to love Him. He is who I am.
I'm terrified of pain . . . terrified of feeling. But life is so much better than some numb existance.
Jesus, You are life. Teach me who I am in You.
Teach me to be that person.
Teach me to be bold.
John 15: 27
And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning.
Acts 4: 20
For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.
I must testify to how You've been with me from the beginning.
I have to tell what I've seen and heard.
. . . oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
2 comments:
I am praying for you, I know a little of what you are going through, or at least, if I don't know precisely what you are going through, then I know my own experiences along the same lines. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." God's love casts out our worry and fear if we'll let it. Recently I have realized more that this is true, not just recognized (mere mental ascent) but realized, actually alowed it to happen. If you ever feel like talking about anything, I'll be wiling to listen, and I will definitely be praying for you to be able to accept God's peace and love. Love,
Will
I thought about this yesterday a little while after the first comment, but pretty much every great man of faith came through a time like this, fear and uncertainty made them doubtful of their ability or their call. Moses didn't think he could speak, Elijah didn't think he could live with the pressure of being a prophet and prayed to die, Jonah ran away, Paul reacted to the Christian message with persecution, Peter fled from the crucifixion, the disciples all hid after Jesus' death not believing He would rise from the dead, even though He clearly told them on at least 3 or 4 occasions that He would, Luther was so depressed he oftentimes couldn't get out of bed, Augustine led a life of promiscuity while a professing Christian (thought admiteddly a gnostic) before he became one of the most influential theologians of all time. I am sure there are millions of others, Bonhoeffer wrote a poem from his cell, it's in the forward to the book I loaned you, read it, it is a good poem and it talks about the fear and uncertainty that accompany life even after stepping out in faith, but the certainty that in the face of confusion, death, sorrow, pain, weakness, is the love of God which conquers all things. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." the rest of Rom. 8:18-39 is really good too, I think you might want to read it.
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